Life's Unsolvable Mysteries

I was sitting at home the other night and started thinking about life's mysteries; there are so many things in this world that go unanswered. Here's a few that I pondered...

If you had feces on any part of your body, besides the obvious area, would you be content with just wiping it off with a piece of paper? Probably not. When we have fecal matter touch any part of our body, we flip out and scrub our skin raw. Then why are we comfortable with using small pieces of paper between the cheeks? I feel that since our "private parts" are covered up, we just neglect hygiene.

"I just don't use toilet paper!"
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Quite Possibly The Greatest Movie Idea In The History Of Movie Ideas

"Its basically two movies in one. On the surface it would appear to be an entirely different genre of movie. maybe a romantic comedy or something. it has to be something you would never expect. That portion of the movie has to be well done and well written possibly even legitimately funny. It has to be something you might actually sit through. At the very end though everything suddenly changes. seemingly out of nowhere maybe one of the characters murders the other or some sort of monster suddenly kills off the protagonist. maybe they get rescued by a character you havent seen before, maybe that hero then dies a gruesome death and reveals some sort of seemingly meaningless gibberish with his final breath. Either way its confusing as hell and you feel like you must have missed something REALLY important. so you go back and watch it again...

"Wait...I thought this was a romantic comedy until Sam got shot in the face."
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The Sexual Perversions of Jesus Christ

Jesus was a holy mess of sexual energy, it's easy to see if you read between the lines of the Bible and his life. The J-man was into some pretty kinky shit back in the day, and I can prove it.

Phallus-Shaped Foods and Wine
Jesus claimed that the bread was his body, and that we should eat it. Shortly after, however, he followed with the wine, lots and lots of wine. Putting together the dick-shaped bread and wine, it just seems a little suggestive is all I'm saying.

"You know how many foods are shaped like dicks?! The best kinds!"

If Mr. Rogers Was The Face Of America

Right now the entire world views America as the Guido country that gets drunk at Jersey Shore and loves to join wars, all while eating McDonald's and drinking mayonnaise shakes. That's not entirely true, well, it's actually pretty spot on. But why do they have that view of us? 

"Welcome to America."
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It all stems from how we conduct ourselves and what we choose to show other nations. They see the shows Jersey Shore and Sex and the City and think we're a bunch of sex-crazed tan assholes. What if we changed what shows we sent overseas? Replace Rock of Love with the show Mr. Roger's Neighborhood and watch the respect for our country skyrocket.

I can see why this would be offensive in some countries.

Amanda Bynes vs. Britney Spears: The Meltdown

Recently (over the past few days), Amanda Bynes has been posting topless pictures of herself on Twitter. The celebrity community, as well as our regular lower-level human communities are all concerned for her mental health. In a lot of ways, there are similarities with Britney Spears' meltdown, so come with me on this journey as we trace the path to this circus...get it?

Declining Career
Everyone knows Amanda Bynes' acting career has realistically been dead since 2010. Around the time of Britney Spears' meltdown, her career was also declining due to her legal pressures, being a single mom, and ultimate remorse for having any involvement with K-Fed.

"I have boobs, what else do you need? Talent?"

What College Has Taught Me

College is a place where you drop thousands and thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that is supposed to get you more money and better jobs. What they don't tell you is that it's a place to hone your creativity in ways you have never even imagined. I have a BS in Psychology, which means I spent a lot of money to graduate with no job prospects.

To alleviate my boredom of the BS psychology classes, I started drawing pictures. A lot of pictures. By the end of class I could have entire pages of comics and designs and anything that wasn't words. Some things were awesome as hell, but most were just imagination diarrhea spilled on paper. Here's a chronicle of what I learned in school.

Puns

When sitting in classes that bore the hell out of you, you pretty much start thinking about everything that isn't school. One day I came up with a bunch of puns. Why? Because it wasn't psychology. I wrote a few good ones down and added some pictures to accompany them, but sadly left them in the notebooks, which are now in the garbage, of course. But I assure you, Darth Vader in an "Elevader" was quite funny, as was, not quite a pun, Darth Vader saying his favorite album is Dark Side of the Moon. Once again, I'm sorry to inform you that these works of art are in the trash.

This combines puns, offensiveness, and a Nickelodeon character. That takes skill.

The Best Drunk Girl Pictures

While looking through pictures for a post, I came across a large amount of hilarious drunk girl pictures. Some of them were just too funny to pass up, so without further adieu, enjoy.

You can tell by her face that this isn't the first time this has happened.

Why Birthdays Suck

Do you ever wonder why people celebrate their birthday? When you're young, birthdays represent another full year of life, and most importantly, the benefits of being a little bit older. But realistically, birthdays are one of the most reoccurring depressing days in any adult's life, whether they admit it or not. Don't think so? Let me prove it to you.

No Benefits
Some birthdays are significant in our society, like being 16 (legally able to drive), 18 (legally an adult), and 21 (legally able to ruin your life), but after that, there's generally nothing good. You can legally collect social security benefits at the age of 62, but let's face it, that will run out long before you and I reach that age.

After you're 21, you make your own benefits. Am I right??

4 Terrible Inventions

Every now and then, you can't help but wonder how some people get their ideas, and not only get ideas, but actually follow through with them. I know we're not the only ones who have seen certain products and thought, "There is something terribly wrong with our society." Here's a list of inventions that we don't need, realistically serve no purpose, or are just plain stupid.

4. Personal Stomach Pump
I saw this gem on a health site not too long ago and couldn't grasp the amount of stupidity involved. The Personal Stomach Pump is developed by Aspire Bariatrics and is a weight-loss device that sucks the food particles out of your stomach after you eat...basically through your chest. The sad thing is, it actually works, but the process looks like some kind of torture method used in those Hostel movies.

Be disgusted, be very disgusted.

To Our Pervert Readers

To our valued readers,

Recently I added an analytics viewer that gives me the ability to view "heat sensors" of each page, or where people click the most. This can be quite interesting and helpful to decide how to set up the blog and make any necessary changes to make it more user friendly, which is its intended purpose. Now to the problem. There is an article that I wrote titled "3 Awful Fundraisers" that included Girl Scout cookies as one of the fundraisers.

Click for uncensored.

Military Loses New Technology

A new press release from the army has created a buzz around the community of people who actually care about press releases concerning some of their new technological advances. They unveiled some of their recent prototypes to aid them in the war against terror, drugs, North Korea, gays, social change and Republicans.

"Here's a scaled-down model of what's to come."
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Sergeant Hammerfoe was quoted as saying, "These could be the most incredible things we've ever made. I'm giddy as a schoolgirl just thinking about them." Among the new technology he is "giddy as a schoolgirl" about include: new assault rifles, now featuring auto-aim; combat boots 2.0, complete with leather shoelaces and waterproof technology; helmets with extra-thick chinstraps; and, what they are most excited about, Superflage.

"Our new Superflage will make soldiers nearly invisible," said Hammerfoe, "Which is totally going to scare the shit out of our enemies when they finally see us." In their trial runs, soldiers in the Superflage tried passing security cameras and scaring children. Both were huge successes. The problem with the new Superflage? They lost it. It did its job so well that they lost the Goddamn stuff.

Their first test run was a monumental success.
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Scientist and Superflage specialist Gordon Humphrey said that, "We just dropped it and it, well, fucking disappeared. Even worse is that we wrapped the blueprints in Superflage to keep our enemies from mimicking us."

"When Johnson dropped it we were all dumbfounded. We lost the greatest camouflage ever made."

The military has scientists working around the clock searching the warehouse for the missing items, but sources say that it may be gone forever.

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3 Awful Fundraisers

Every youth club has a yearly fundraiser, it's inevitable. Whenever you see a parent come into work on their day off with their child, you know you're getting sucked into buying crappy knickknacks and food because you don't want to be the one jerk in the office that doesn't participate. Some of the classic fundraisers have phased out over the years, like the Catholic school sales, but others have withstood the test of time and have only gotten worse.

3. Girl Scout Cookies

The Girl Scout cookie season is like Christmas for everybody, even the non-religious people, because it only comes once a year and revolves around buying things and being selfish. Some people even start counting down until the day comes when they are asked to buy some, which is ridiculous. How do the Girl Scouts create such an addiction to their cookies, especially since, let's be honest here, there are better cookies out in the world? Only two possible explanations make sense; drugs and innocence. Let's start with the innocence portion. When little girls come up to you with hopeful eyes and a shy smile to ask you to buy cookies, you can't help but feel obligated to buy some; it's like they are looking up and asking you to save them from abuse if they don't sell enough.

"Oops, I dropped my cookies right in front of you.
Let me slooooowly bend over to pick them up. So, how many boxes are you buying?

4 Ways To Make The Disney Star Wars Movies Successful

We're all anxious to see how Disney will handle the new Star Wars movies, especially since no definitive storyline has been reported. A new edition to the franchise is planned for 2015 (Really? It takes THAT long?), and I hope these suggestions may show a better path towards success.

4. Girl Lead

I know it's basically tradition to have a male lead in these movies...Hell, pretty much all the characters are male except for a few supporting females. Although I'm a guy and am exceptionally biased towards my gender's superiority (I have no problem fighting women, and especially no problem fighting old people, bring it) I think it would do the franchise good to have a female lead, or at least a co-lead. If you haven't noticed, the people who like these movies are 95% male, it's time to expand the horizons here.

5 Unanswered Questions In The Dark Knight Rises

I can totally, and sadly, accept the fact that a new Christopher Nolan Batman movie will not come out. He has stated that, "The Dark Knight Rises is specifically and definitely the end of the Batman story as I wanted to tell it." But what if a sequel happened to be made?

The bottom line is just depressing.

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There were be many questions left unanswered at the end of The Dark Knight Rises that over half of the sequel would have to solve, but would most likely forget. Questions like...

The Many Faces Of Jesus

At times, I find myself asking, who was Jesus? The bible paints us a great picture of what he did in his life, but not so much what he looked like. A person's characteristics can allow us to visualize and become more interested in the stories we hear, but there are so many different 
depictions of Jesus, which one is right?

Black Jesus

As far as I know, the Bible doesn't say anything about Jesus' skin color, so I'll give whoever painted this the benefit of the doubt and points for creativity...but come on, he has dreadlocks for Christ's sake.  

"A crucifix? Awww hell naw."

12 Things Your Server Wants You To Know (So We Don't Hate You) 2.0

Due to the overwhelming positive response to my last Things Your Server whatever article and What Your Server Won't Tell You, I figured I would write another. I could write these for days and days because there are thousands of annoyances that build up in servers that they wish they could scream at their customers, but they can't, so, for now, you're stuck with what is posted on the internet. Here we go...

12. Talk about special requests with your server

Do you want to surprise someone at your table with a birthday song and some cake? Awesome, just don't talk to another server other than your own about it, they don't care and won't ask questions if your directions aren't clear. Now your server is oblivious to what is happening at the table and will look like a jerk when they don't sing a special birthday song.

"They forgot to sing 'Happy Birthday.' Isn't that why we came here?"
This actually happened to me...

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Dieting For Dummies: How To Not Gain Weight Without Exercise

Do you like how much you weigh? Would you like to keep that weight without having to exercise or change your consumption habits? Well I've got the perfect solution for you!

Who knew that eating unhealthily with no exercise could lead to weight gain? I know I did, but for some reason it never caught up to me...that is, until a year or two ago. My poor consumption and activity habits had caused me to pack on an extra couple, which caused me to develop a method that has worked wonders for me in hindering an increase in my weight, and I bestow them upon you!

Note: Not laboratory tested. Results may vary.

The Horrible Consequences Of Living In A Superhero Universe

It's time to face the unfortunate truth: Superhero movies are here to stay, even if they produce some absolutely appalling ones. With the superhero madness spreading, so many people think that it'd be awesome to live in a superhero universe, as if they are going to be a hero or even meet one, but do they ever really think about the serious consequences of being there? Since most people haven't read the comic books, I'll get my point of, "The horrible consequences of living in a superhero universe," across using movie references.

Happy Easter! - The True Meaning of Easter

Like so many other holidays, Easter is another day filled with great meaning, but utterly lost on the majority of those who celebrate it. Surprisingly, Easter was not originally intended for a day of giant bunnies, egg coloring, and marshmallow treats. I hope to show the symbolism (if there is any) of our current traditions and expose the real meaning behind this celebration. But can Jesus truly compete with today's traditions?

"Fear not, for I am Jesus and have returned with colored eggs and marshmallow treats!"

Soundtracks To Our Lives

Were you ever listening to the radio and a song came on that made you go, "I wish that song would follow me everywhere I went." And then you realized it was "In The Navy" by the Village People. Well, that kind of happened to us, but with less...questionable songs. Yeah, not sure where to go with this introduction, the Village People reference came kind of early, so...

This is the segue sentence.

Why Dishonored Is A Terrible Game

Dishonored is the revolutionary game made by the same people who brought you Skyrim. It, in an extremely basic sense, is you, Corvo, are an assassin framed for a murder and must work through elaborate settings to reach the ultimate goal of clearing your name. The game is praised for its open world-like levels that allow for alternate routes and unlimited distractibility, as well as the numerous ways to finish the game. What makes it so incredible and offers amazing replay value comes in the fact that you can either run through the level with guns blazing or, even more fun, use your assassin skills to sneak through without ever being detected and killing no enemies.

You feel just as badass as this looks.

The Weirdest People You Believed In As A Child

Our parents made us believe some pretty weird things as kids, like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. But looking back on those beliefs, they're some of the most messed up things I have ever heard of...and I've heard some pretty weird shit, like the Alabama Crab Dangler for starters. Feel free to follow us on this journey as we analyze these beliefs, but most importantly, relive the very weird childhood you had.

3 Most Awesome Craigslist Missed Connections

Taking a look at Craigslist just the other day, a section caught my eye that I never noticed before: Missed Connections.  I had no idea what to expect when I entered it.  Right from the start, I knew this place was going to be great as I was greeted by a "warning & disclaimer" asking if I am 18 years old and if I know about safe sex.  At this point, I could only assume that it was a section trying to find the mothers and fathers of abandoned babies, most likely started by Maury Povich.  I was wrong and disappointed, but that didn't mean there was no entertainment value in reading these postings.  Some were cute, "Looking for a woman that struck my heart when she let me go ahead of her in line," and some were just rape-like observations, "Saw you jogging in the park while sitting on a bench."

"I saw you jogging in the park as I sat on the park bench
exactly 100 feet from the elementary school."

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3 Ways Disney Can Make Great Star Wars Movies

Star Wars fans everywhere are eager to see the new movies Disney plans to make for the epic series...let's just hope they're better this time. Rumors and speculation for who will be in the new movies and what direction they may take has been nonstop since the initial press release. Here are a few things Disney should keep in mind and steer clear of before they make the new movies.

3. No Original Actors
Rumors have been flying around like Bette Midler on a broomstick about actors like Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford expressing interest in being in the new Star Wars movies. With all due respect, they're old. I feel like they could tell me how dirt was made. The original actors were great in the original trilogy, but these are new movies that need new actors to revitalize the franchise.

5 Reasons It Would Suck To Live In Bikini Bottom

There have been numerous conspiracy theories that Spongebob Squarepants, the popular Nickelodeon show featuring a carefree yellow sponge and other strange creatures, is set in the area of Bikini Atoll, a nuclear testing site.  In case you didn't know, the city that Spongebob lives in is called Bikini Bottom, coincidence?  Well, not likely.  Considering there would be some kind of genetic mutations among the sea creatures living under Bikini Atoll, the fact that they can talk and produce physically impossible offspring (referring to Mr. Krabs having a whale, Pearl, as a daughter) makes some sense.

One of life's greatest mysteries.

Changes Are A Comin'

The day has come when the sidebar has become to cluttered due to the high volume of articles being posted.  To eradicate this problem, a new format will be implemented soon as well as a few other changes to make this place easier to use.  Once the final tweaks are made and kinks ironed out, it will go live.  Change is coming and let's prepare!

"Dagnabbit! I didn't even figure out the first one."

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The Most Suicidal Animals

The way some animals behave is downright stupid. You would think that an animal's first concern is self-preservation, but particular animals seems to act with such reckless abandon that it's safe to say they have an almost suicidal inclination. Here's a few animals that seem to misunderstand the meaning of life and maybe even make your life worse in the process.

Cats
You know the phrase, "Curiosity killed the cat?" That's what they want you to think. In reality, cats try to kill themselves in curious ways. Whether they fall off the refrigerator or get sliced in half by a ceiling fan, cats are the Evel-frickin'-Knievels of the animal kingdom. 

Why Skipping Myspace And Going Straight To Facebook Ruined My Life

Facebook connects over a billion people, which is mind blowing because it's only nine years old.  Myspace, on the other hand, is ten years old and connects about 50 people who refuse to switch to Facebook.  Oh, and there's Friendster, which connects nobody at all.  It's these drastic differences that made me join Facebook first, well, not really, I was one of those kids, back in high school, who was coaxed into joining Facebook.  Yes, I did have the option of joining Myspace at the time, but people convinced me to join Facebook, so I skipped the bunny social network and went straight to the black diamond.

I should have tried Myface first, the only offline social network.

The League

3 Best TV Couples You Can Never Be

Do you remember watching certain couples on TV shows and saying, "Hopefully my life will turn out the same way!" Well it doesn't. These are a few of the famous TV relationships you wish you could have, but never will. Prepare to be disappointed with life forever.

3. Cory and Topanga
Ahhh, the famous couple from Boy Meets World that withstood the test of time. When you were little, you watched them and said to yourself, "This is exactly how relationships work! I can't wait to find my wife when I'm 12 years old!" But  it doesn't, you don't, and you've now set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointments. 

Introversion: Costs and Benefits

For some reason, our culture typically frowns upon an individual's seclusion from society. But what many don't understand about introversion is that it frees up an enormous amount of time to accomplish fulfilling tasks in your life.

Haircuts
As a boy with long hair, or a boy in general, getting a haircut is usually an unnecessary cost. But with the enormous amount of time I have from my introverted activities, I have learned to cut my own hair and save money in the process!

You're expected to make a few mistakes when you cut your own hair...

The Awesome Message Behind Two Of Dr. Seuss' Most Popular Books

Most people know Dr. Seuss as the guy who wrote nonsense stories that teach children how to rhyme fake words with pictures drawn by a four-year-old child, not a man who figured out how to communicate political views and morals through children's books.

Little known fact: His books came from hallucinations.

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The Creepiest Business Ever: The Snuggery

Have you ever felt lonely?  Depressed?  In need of a hug?  Or are you just sick of hugging your cat in bed?  Well, do I have the business for you!  Check it out, you call this lady and she will cuddle with you!  All for the low price of $1/minute!  Sound too good to be true?!?  Sadly, it is not.

"I hope it's true, Mr. Cuddles doesn't like being hugged."

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11 Things Your Server Wants You To Know (So We Don't Hate You)

I like to think after three years of serving at a restaurant I shall not name, but rhymes with Shmapplebee's, I have a fair amount of experience in dealing with a great deal of customers, each with their own, sometimes terrible, personalities. In the fantastic words of Daniel Tosh, "I believe that everyone should wait tables at least one year of your life, just so you realize that your ranch dressing isn't that fucking important."  Truer words have never been spoken.  If people would wait tables at least once, they would realize how frustrating some of their behaviors are to the staff.  Hopefully this post will enlighten people on how to act in a restaurant so your server doesn't hate you.

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 3

Owning a Goth takes serious responsibility and commitment. At the end of the day, it is your responsibility to show your Goth that you wear the big-buckled gothy pants in the outfit, not them. But that's meant figuratively, of course. They still literally wear those pants...

Discipline
The problem with all pets is that they have the ability to disobey you, but one of the best parts about Goths is they are easy to discipline. If they ever let loose that angsty attitude on you, remember that you are the boss. Goths typically come with chains and confining jewelry, convenient for keeping their obedience in line. And don't be afraid to get rough...in fact, they usually prefer that.

Elderly Woman Claims Singers Are Too Sexy

In Austin, Texas, an elderly woman, Beatrice Talbut, sits at her television in disgust; "It's all boobs, butt, and sex," she says.  Recently, she watched the Superbowl with Beyonce performing during the half-time show, but only for a short period of time.  She claims that, "I always expect them to strip down and start making whoopee on the television, just disgusting."  This brings up the question; are singers and models dressing too sexy?

Parenting Advice - Babysitting

In our fast-paced world, it's common for both parents in a family to work, and while the parents are gone, someone needs to look after their children. This responsibility usually falls on a complete stranger, someone who is paid to watch your kids even though you may know nothing about them. Keep this in mind while looking into this crucial aspect of parenting.

Certification

Personally, I don't see the need for a babysitter to be certified if you know them well and trust their methods of care. However, my babysitter was not certified, and when inspectors came by to check how many kids she babysat in her house, she would make my brother and I hide behind couches and in dark closets for hours at a time.

Visit and Check-In
It's important to ensure that your child is in the best possible care, which you can do by making unexpected visits. I don't remember being a terrible kid, but my babysitter often made me sleep and take naps everyday in that same dark closet, 

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 2

"The debt ceiling, unemployment levels, and gun control laws are some of the main problems I plan on changing. But I also have hope, an audacity of hope for the Gothic culture, which is the biggest crisis facing our country today." -Barack Obama

The quote above is completely factual. What? Where did I find it? I read it in a newspaper, you've probably never heard of it. The newspaper isn't what's important. What IS important is that you have the capability of making a change in this deeply troubled culture. If you're considering owning a Goth, here are a few more reasons why you might want one.

Realistically, How People Spend Valentine's Day

"I'm just pretending to be happy!"

Valentine's Day is the day full of stress and disappointment.  No matter what your relationship status is, Valentine's becomes a nuisance that only Hallmark and Nicholas Sparks seem to enjoy.  It's really just a day to watch romantic comedies, write poems that say things like, "Our love is so true, like the ocean is blue," and other lame-ass things.

I've waited forever to use this picture...

"You're my 's-wheaty' pie."

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But does anybody really enjoy Valentine's Day anymore?  I doubt it, so let's look at the sad reality of how people spend the day of love not loving.

"Like" My Facebook Photo - My Quest To One Million "Likes"

Well, it was inevitable, a new Facebook fad has emerged for attention whores and basement dwellers to make friends, or get popular, same thing.  The new thing everybody is doing is posting pictures of, "Like this and this will happen or you will die."  A spin-off of those pictures are the, "One million 'Likes' and I will get to do this!"  Whether the activity is having sex or curing cancer (yes, curing cancer), so many people have the fallacy that "liking" a picture will get you places.  I would be willing to bet that there is some mental disorder related to trying to be the most popular person, or having the most popular picture, by creating something visually loud, deceitful, dramatic, and peer-approved.  Oh wait, isn't that the exact definition of histrionic personality disorder?

One nipple ring short from being the creepiest guy at Starbucks.

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