The Sexual Perversions of Jesus Christ

Jesus was a holy mess of sexual energy, it's easy to see if you read between the lines of the Bible and his life. The J-man was into some pretty kinky shit back in the day, and I can prove it.

Phallus-Shaped Foods and Wine
Jesus claimed that the bread was his body, and that we should eat it. Shortly after, however, he followed with the wine, lots and lots of wine. Putting together the dick-shaped bread and wine, it just seems a little suggestive is all I'm saying.

"You know how many foods are shaped like dicks?! The best kinds!"

Military Loses New Technology

A new press release from the army has created a buzz around the community of people who actually care about press releases concerning some of their new technological advances. They unveiled some of their recent prototypes to aid them in the war against terror, drugs, North Korea, gays, social change and Republicans.

"Here's a scaled-down model of what's to come."
© Jessersim | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Sergeant Hammerfoe was quoted as saying, "These could be the most incredible things we've ever made. I'm giddy as a schoolgirl just thinking about them." Among the new technology he is "giddy as a schoolgirl" about include: new assault rifles, now featuring auto-aim; combat boots 2.0, complete with leather shoelaces and waterproof technology; helmets with extra-thick chinstraps; and, what they are most excited about, Superflage.

"Our new Superflage will make soldiers nearly invisible," said Hammerfoe, "Which is totally going to scare the shit out of our enemies when they finally see us." In their trial runs, soldiers in the Superflage tried passing security cameras and scaring children. Both were huge successes. The problem with the new Superflage? They lost it. It did its job so well that they lost the Goddamn stuff.

Their first test run was a monumental success.
© Jameswimsel | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Scientist and Superflage specialist Gordon Humphrey said that, "We just dropped it and it, well, fucking disappeared. Even worse is that we wrapped the blueprints in Superflage to keep our enemies from mimicking us."

"When Johnson dropped it we were all dumbfounded. We lost the greatest camouflage ever made."

The military has scientists working around the clock searching the warehouse for the missing items, but sources say that it may be gone forever.

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The Many Faces Of Jesus

At times, I find myself asking, who was Jesus? The bible paints us a great picture of what he did in his life, but not so much what he looked like. A person's characteristics can allow us to visualize and become more interested in the stories we hear, but there are so many different 
depictions of Jesus, which one is right?

Black Jesus

As far as I know, the Bible doesn't say anything about Jesus' skin color, so I'll give whoever painted this the benefit of the doubt and points for creativity...but come on, he has dreadlocks for Christ's sake.  

"A crucifix? Awww hell naw."

Elderly Woman Claims Singers Are Too Sexy

In Austin, Texas, an elderly woman, Beatrice Talbut, sits at her television in disgust; "It's all boobs, butt, and sex," she says.  Recently, she watched the Superbowl with Beyonce performing during the half-time show, but only for a short period of time.  She claims that, "I always expect them to strip down and start making whoopee on the television, just disgusting."  This brings up the question; are singers and models dressing too sexy?

Dissecting 2012: The End Of The World

I am a firm believer that the world is going to end in 2012.  There is plenty of evidence all around us, you just have to know where to look.  Signs of impending doom are the Mayan calendar...the...Mayan calendar...well that's pretty much it.  Just kidding, I'm not one of those survivalist disaster people.  Even so, it still baffles me how people can think the world is going to end, so I decided to do some investigating on the subject and get to the bottom of this.  Is it a hoax or an all to real event that will kill us all?  Spoiler alert: It's a hoax.

They are going to look awfully stupid when the world doesn't end and

they spent their life savings on gas masks and toilet paper.

Why Beauty Pageants Are So Great

I'm a guy, so I know a lot about beauty pageants.  You get a bunch of females (ages 1-30) and pick which one is the most popular.  This is done through a series of tests, like a talent show, how straight they can walk and turn, who can wear the most revealing swimsuit, which contestant can answer a question less stupid than the others, and who is fanciest in the fancy clothes.  You know, who is best at the important things in life.

Attractive in a pants suit, great smile, talented politician,

now we just have to fix her famous Hitler wave and we got Miss America.