What College Has Taught Me

College is a place where you drop thousands and thousands of dollars for a piece of paper that is supposed to get you more money and better jobs. What they don't tell you is that it's a place to hone your creativity in ways you have never even imagined. I have a BS in Psychology, which means I spent a lot of money to graduate with no job prospects.

To alleviate my boredom of the BS psychology classes, I started drawing pictures. A lot of pictures. By the end of class I could have entire pages of comics and designs and anything that wasn't words. Some things were awesome as hell, but most were just imagination diarrhea spilled on paper. Here's a chronicle of what I learned in school.

Puns

When sitting in classes that bore the hell out of you, you pretty much start thinking about everything that isn't school. One day I came up with a bunch of puns. Why? Because it wasn't psychology. I wrote a few good ones down and added some pictures to accompany them, but sadly left them in the notebooks, which are now in the garbage, of course. But I assure you, Darth Vader in an "Elevader" was quite funny, as was, not quite a pun, Darth Vader saying his favorite album is Dark Side of the Moon. Once again, I'm sorry to inform you that these works of art are in the trash.

This combines puns, offensiveness, and a Nickelodeon character. That takes skill.

Why Birthdays Suck

Do you ever wonder why people celebrate their birthday? When you're young, birthdays represent another full year of life, and most importantly, the benefits of being a little bit older. But realistically, birthdays are one of the most reoccurring depressing days in any adult's life, whether they admit it or not. Don't think so? Let me prove it to you.

No Benefits
Some birthdays are significant in our society, like being 16 (legally able to drive), 18 (legally an adult), and 21 (legally able to ruin your life), but after that, there's generally nothing good. You can legally collect social security benefits at the age of 62, but let's face it, that will run out long before you and I reach that age.

After you're 21, you make your own benefits. Am I right??

4 Terrible Inventions

Every now and then, you can't help but wonder how some people get their ideas, and not only get ideas, but actually follow through with them. I know we're not the only ones who have seen certain products and thought, "There is something terribly wrong with our society." Here's a list of inventions that we don't need, realistically serve no purpose, or are just plain stupid.

4. Personal Stomach Pump
I saw this gem on a health site not too long ago and couldn't grasp the amount of stupidity involved. The Personal Stomach Pump is developed by Aspire Bariatrics and is a weight-loss device that sucks the food particles out of your stomach after you eat...basically through your chest. The sad thing is, it actually works, but the process looks like some kind of torture method used in those Hostel movies.

Be disgusted, be very disgusted.

3 Awful Fundraisers

Every youth club has a yearly fundraiser, it's inevitable. Whenever you see a parent come into work on their day off with their child, you know you're getting sucked into buying crappy knickknacks and food because you don't want to be the one jerk in the office that doesn't participate. Some of the classic fundraisers have phased out over the years, like the Catholic school sales, but others have withstood the test of time and have only gotten worse.

3. Girl Scout Cookies

The Girl Scout cookie season is like Christmas for everybody, even the non-religious people, because it only comes once a year and revolves around buying things and being selfish. Some people even start counting down until the day comes when they are asked to buy some, which is ridiculous. How do the Girl Scouts create such an addiction to their cookies, especially since, let's be honest here, there are better cookies out in the world? Only two possible explanations make sense; drugs and innocence. Let's start with the innocence portion. When little girls come up to you with hopeful eyes and a shy smile to ask you to buy cookies, you can't help but feel obligated to buy some; it's like they are looking up and asking you to save them from abuse if they don't sell enough.

"Oops, I dropped my cookies right in front of you.
Let me slooooowly bend over to pick them up. So, how many boxes are you buying?

The Most Suicidal Animals

The way some animals behave is downright stupid. You would think that an animal's first concern is self-preservation, but particular animals seems to act with such reckless abandon that it's safe to say they have an almost suicidal inclination. Here's a few animals that seem to misunderstand the meaning of life and maybe even make your life worse in the process.

Cats
You know the phrase, "Curiosity killed the cat?" That's what they want you to think. In reality, cats try to kill themselves in curious ways. Whether they fall off the refrigerator or get sliced in half by a ceiling fan, cats are the Evel-frickin'-Knievels of the animal kingdom. 

Introversion: Costs and Benefits

For some reason, our culture typically frowns upon an individual's seclusion from society. But what many don't understand about introversion is that it frees up an enormous amount of time to accomplish fulfilling tasks in your life.

Haircuts
As a boy with long hair, or a boy in general, getting a haircut is usually an unnecessary cost. But with the enormous amount of time I have from my introverted activities, I have learned to cut my own hair and save money in the process!

You're expected to make a few mistakes when you cut your own hair...

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 3

Owning a Goth takes serious responsibility and commitment. At the end of the day, it is your responsibility to show your Goth that you wear the big-buckled gothy pants in the outfit, not them. But that's meant figuratively, of course. They still literally wear those pants...

Discipline
The problem with all pets is that they have the ability to disobey you, but one of the best parts about Goths is they are easy to discipline. If they ever let loose that angsty attitude on you, remember that you are the boss. Goths typically come with chains and confining jewelry, convenient for keeping their obedience in line. And don't be afraid to get rough...in fact, they usually prefer that.

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 2

"The debt ceiling, unemployment levels, and gun control laws are some of the main problems I plan on changing. But I also have hope, an audacity of hope for the Gothic culture, which is the biggest crisis facing our country today." -Barack Obama

The quote above is completely factual. What? Where did I find it? I read it in a newspaper, you've probably never heard of it. The newspaper isn't what's important. What IS important is that you have the capability of making a change in this deeply troubled culture. If you're considering owning a Goth, here are a few more reasons why you might want one.

Becoming An 80 Year-Old Woman

We are ever-changing, whether we like it or not. Even if you're unaware of it, for better or for worse, the likes, dislikes, beliefs and values of your very person are changing right under your nose. Many of these changes you experience are slow, often going unnoticed until the transformations are complete, but they are modifications to your character that you eventually must embrace...

For instance, I've considered myself a pretty normal guy the majority of my life so far, which is probably debatable by some. But until recently, I've noticed a direction my life has taken, a track no normal 22 year-old man should be on, but one that is now inevitable…It's official, I’m becoming an 80 year-old woman.

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 1

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It's no surprise that our society loves to constantly adapt trends and fads into daily life. While some are worse than others (I'm talking about you, Beliebers), certain ones disrupt essential parts of our lives or are downright dangerous. Yes, you know of what I speak. The dreaded Goth was believed to be declining, but recent evidence reveals that the Goth is still a definite plague in some areas of our world today. 

Even though Goths can be difficult to deal with, don't let this discourage you! No longer will those troublesome creatures be hiding your TV remotes, peeing on your floor or bathing in puppy blood. Let loose the studded belts and thick black eye liner, this is our step-by-step guide to training your very own goth!

First and foremost, you should know that Goths are very trainable. Many of their natural abilities are perfect for your everyday situations.

The Greatest Invention

Take a second to ponder this; what is the greatest invention ever?  Electronics?  Medicine?  Plumbing?  Engines?  Those are all stereotypical answers that everybody comes up with, but they are also all dead wrong.

Unfortunately it's not this.
Unfortunately it's not this.
Unfortunately it's not this.

The greatest invention in the history of the world is in your very room; it's found in homes, schools, offices, hospitals, and everywhere else on Earth.  The concept has been around since we started classifying people as "homos" and it has finally been perfected in the modern world.

My Ten Minutes As A Life Alert Employee - A Prank Call Gone Wrong

People make prank calls all the time, which makes me feel left out because I've never made one, that is, until now.  I decided I would try a little prank by calling a random number from the phone book; a harmless act, right?  It turned out that my phone call went awry very quickly.  Here is the transcription.

"Is your refrigerator running?"

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How To Be A Man

While walking past one of the engineers at my work the other day, I was asked to hand him a tool, but in the process he called me "sir." It got me thinking; I’m 22 years old, legally an adult male, but am I really? Do my looks, knowledge or appeal really justify being called "sir?" Am I a man? What makes a man? How does one know that they are a man and in fact do manly things? I hope to divulge this topic so you can decide if you are a man or if you still have a little ways to go.

Exhibit A: The Man

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A Letter From The Man Who Stole My Dog

I had a dream to write this letter.  It turned out darker than I thought it would.  Oh well...

If you are reading this, well, you found this note.  You're probably wondering why I wrote this message to you, but I bet wondering more about your missing dog.  This note is connected to that.  I am aware of the absence of your dog because I have this power that allows me to detect missing dogs; he probably just ran away, or she ran away, I can't tell the sex with my powers.  You see, dogs are beautiful beasts of nature and deserve to frolic through open fields, not be holed up in a neglectful home with an owner that so carelessly leaves the house key under a fucking rock by the door.  Are you stupid?  A man who has been watching your behaviors for the last two weeks could easily notice that your niece came over one day without a key, looked under said rock, and found one.

Biggest Disappointments of the Failed Mayan Prophecy

Well, December 21^st has officially passed, you know, that dreaded day the Mayan’s predicted would be the end of the world, I’m sure you’re all quite familiar with it by now. And although the Mayans were wrong (surprised?), the world didn't end (yay!), and we’re ever so thankful for it, yada yada yada, we have a few bones to pick over the whole ordeal. I value the continuation of life and all that good stuff, but to be honest, I was looking forward to some things ending. If the Mayans were right, we wouldn't have to experience those everyday annoyances or see certain events come to fruition. Here are a few of the things I would like to be eliminated.

The Near Drowing of an Innocent Child

I have been a swimmer my whole life.  Not a competitive swimmer.  I cannot breaststroke or backstroke, but more of a water basketball and doggy paddle kind of swimmer.  The first time I experienced a full size swimming pool was incredible.  By incredible, I mean incredibly terrifying.  Picture an innocent six-year-old boy getting outfitted with a life jacket so he can swim with the big people.

Swimming is fun.