Realistically, How People Spend Valentine's Day

"I'm just pretending to be happy!"

Valentine's Day is the day full of stress and disappointment.  No matter what your relationship status is, Valentine's becomes a nuisance that only Hallmark and Nicholas Sparks seem to enjoy.  It's really just a day to watch romantic comedies, write poems that say things like, "Our love is so true, like the ocean is blue," and other lame-ass things.

I've waited forever to use this picture...

"You're my 's-wheaty' pie."

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But does anybody really enjoy Valentine's Day anymore?  I doubt it, so let's look at the sad reality of how people spend the day of love not loving.


Singles

Single ladies
There are a few different types of single ladies out in the world on Valentine's Day, three to be precise, that we will look at and examine their behaviors.

The first is the woman that sits at home with her ice cream and cats feeling sorry for herself.  Her day is spent with the lights off, wrapped in a blanket, and watching The Notebook with a box of tissues next to her on the bed.  She will post things on Facebook like, "How I long for the affectionate touch of Ryan Gosling's hand across my wet cheek."  Statuses similar to this will get a couple comments about how Valentine's Day is better spent in bed with her two boyfriends, Ben and Jerry.

Second is the woman that acts like she is happy to be single.  At 12:01 a.m. her Facebook will read, "Time for a gr8 party nite with the gurls!"  Seemingly happy on the outside, she is secretly crying on the inside, longing for the affectionate touch of Ryan Gosling's hand across her soon-to-be wet cheek.  The bars will be filled with these women taking shots and dancing to ABBA songs, really bringing down the integrity of the bar.

I had a funny caption ready, but does anyone else notice
the odd proportions of those two to each other?
One breast is the size of the other's face.

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Thirdly is the woman who pretends to be in a relationship.  The night before Valentine's Day, her Facebook relationship status will inexplicably change to "in a relationship."  Even though she has been dating this mystery man for less than a few hours, flowers will show up at her office with some grandiose note about how her eyes "sparkle like water flowing over an everlasting waterfall being hit by the sun that burns like their hearts."  What a sad and lonely life this lady leads, mystery boyfriend should buy her a cat.

Single men
There is only one type of single man on Valentine's Day, but he is just as bad as the women.  He is the guy that shows up at the bars with his single buddies to hook up with the single ladies who are so drunk they can hardly stand.  Any game he had will disappear with the The Notebook-loving women, "Haven't I seen you working at Hooters?" no longer works on Valentine's Day night.  After hours of rejection, he will go home, curl up in bed, and feel sorry for himself, possibly hooking up with two guys...Ben and Jerry.

"I haven't seen skin that nice since the newest Girls Gone Wild.Not working?
I'll try it on that hot chick over there."

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Relationships

Newly taken ladies
The woman who has recently entered a relationship (not fake like above) will expect some extravagant Valentine's Day public display of her boyfriend's endearing love.  Of course, unless this is the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks book, this amazing gesture of love will always disappoint.  This girlfriend expects a Ferris wheel to be lit up with a heart or the stars to spell out her name, just ridiculous things.  In reality, a necklace or bracelet in a small box is coming.  Once she has her second Valentine's Day in a relationship, she will realize how absurd her past expectations were.    

This is why I said the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks book.

Newly taken men
Oh how wonderful it is to play the part of newly-taken man.  Planning a great surprise for months, executing great surprise, and then watching the disappointment on the girl's face as the surprise lets her down is just wonderful.  Nothing is more stressful than being this man.  The key to winning this day for many years is to start out small.  If the bar is set low enough the first year, it can slowly be raised; the problem with doing something better year after year is now solved.  

"My gifts can only go uphill from here, right?"

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Committed relationships

I'm just going to combine the men and women for this category because they both feel the same way.  After many years of being in a relationship, Valentine's Day becomes a normal day just like all the others, you just don't care about it.  It's actually more of an annoyance.

What are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?

Nothing.

Oh, really?  Why not?  We are going to an expensive restaurant, then a concert, and then we are going sailing on a boat shaped like a heart!

That's nice, have fun blowing $500 on one night.

Great...what a waste of money.  The restaurant is fine, it's an excuse to dress up and eat amazing food, but the rest are a waste of money for a Hallmark holiday.  This is the best stage to be in for Valentine's Day.  No huge gifts and no incredible surprises, just a day of fun together.  Isn't that what Valentine's Day should be?

Exactly how Valentine's should be spent.

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