Almost Comedy: 3 Awful Fundraisers

Every youth club has a yearly fundraiser, it's inevitable. Whenever you see a parent come into work on their day off with their child, you know you're getting sucked into buying crappy knickknacks and food because you don't want to be the one jerk in the office that doesn't participate. Some of the classic fundraisers have phased out over the years, like the Catholic school sales, but others have withstood the test of time and have only gotten worse.

3. Girl Scout Cookies

The Girl Scout cookie season is like Christmas for everybody, even the non-religious people, because it only comes once a year and revolves around buying things and being selfish. Some people even start counting down until the day comes when they are asked to buy some, which is ridiculous. How do the Girl Scouts create such an addiction to their cookies, especially since, let's be honest here, there are better cookies out in the world? Only two possible explanations make sense; drugs and innocence. Let's start with the innocence portion. When little girls come up to you with hopeful eyes and a shy smile to ask you to buy cookies, you can't help but feel obligated to buy some; it's like they are looking up and asking you to save them from abuse if they don't sell enough.

"Oops, I dropped my cookies right in front of you.
Let me slooooowly bend over to pick them up. So, how many boxes are you buying?

Now onto the serious issue: drugs. Drugs are addictive, Girl Scout cookies are addictive. So the logical connection is that Girl Scout cookies are laced with drugs. Why else do people flip shit when they eat them all and have cravings for the rest of the year? Because the cookies have drugs. Such a genius cookie-selling technique.

"You know what's in these boxes? Heroin."

2. High School Cookie Dough

The high school cookie dough fundraisers are basically retarded Girl Scout cookie sales. Nobody craves them or really gives two shits when the dough is being sold. Are they selling me food or a chore? Frankly, nobody likes to buy something terrible, especially as difficult as cookie dough, to take it home and make it themselves. It makes more sense to just give them the money and not take the cookie dough because it's going to sit in the freezer for half a year and then get thrown out. The worst part about the cookie dough is that it comes in the most God-awful flavors like strawberry raisin or piss and flies. They should really give up and let the Girl Scouts do the cookie selling.

"They taste good if you get pass-out drunk."

1. High school pizza

Another high school one, but not quite as useless or involved as the cookie dough. Pretty much everybody everywhere likes pizza and this sale has tapped into that market. The unfortunate part about this sale is that the pizzas are some obscure brand and taste like ass, as well as always being freezer burned.

This poses the problem of people saying, "Fuck this pizza, I'll just go get ten for $5 from the grocery store. They'll taste so much better for half the price." Contrary to Girl Scout cookies, these may be laced with anti-addictive drugs, like Antabuse and Vivitrol. They need to start sneaking in some cocaine sausage or heroin cheese.

I could go into more, like magazine sales and that jazz, but let's just leave it at food products for now. Speaking of food, when is Girl Scout cookie season coming back?