The Sexual Perversions of Jesus Christ

Jesus was a holy mess of sexual energy, it's easy to see if you read between the lines of the Bible and his life. The J-man was into some pretty kinky shit back in the day, and I can prove it.

Phallus-Shaped Foods and Wine
Jesus claimed that the bread was his body, and that we should eat it. Shortly after, however, he followed with the wine, lots and lots of wine. Putting together the dick-shaped bread and wine, it just seems a little suggestive is all I'm saying.

"You know how many foods are shaped like dicks?! The best kinds!"

Foot Fetish
What's up with Jesus and feet? Seriously, he just couldn't get enough of them. Men, women, children, it didn't matter, he was all about the feet. Whether washing other people's feet, or even going as far as kissing them, the J-man was down. And don't give me all that hoopla about customs and traditions back in the day, because I'm sure there were plenty of people who didn't go around doing that.

Girl: "But Jesus, I don't want to suck your toes..."
Jesus: "That's okay, I hear Hell is pretty nice this time of year."

BDSM
The last, and possibly most offensive comedic point is Jesus' involvement in BDSM. There were whips and chains, but is it so unlikely that he could have found pleasure in pain? What if all the punishment and the cross-related torture was just a BDSM activity gone wrong. What if our history and religious structures were all formed from the error of someone forgetting his safe word?

"It's just a flesh wound! Put your back into it!"

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