12 Things Your Server Wants You To Know (So We Don't Hate You) 2.0

Due to the overwhelming positive response to my last Things Your Server whatever article and What Your Server Won't Tell You, I figured I would write another. I could write these for days and days because there are thousands of annoyances that build up in servers that they wish they could scream at their customers, but they can't, so, for now, you're stuck with what is posted on the internet. Here we go...

12. Talk about special requests with your server

Do you want to surprise someone at your table with a birthday song and some cake? Awesome, just don't talk to another server other than your own about it, they don't care and won't ask questions if your directions aren't clear. Now your server is oblivious to what is happening at the table and will look like a jerk when they don't sing a special birthday song.

"They forgot to sing 'Happy Birthday.' Isn't that why we came here?"
This actually happened to me...

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Dieting For Dummies: How To Not Gain Weight Without Exercise

Do you like how much you weigh? Would you like to keep that weight without having to exercise or change your consumption habits? Well I've got the perfect solution for you!

Who knew that eating unhealthily with no exercise could lead to weight gain? I know I did, but for some reason it never caught up to me...that is, until a year or two ago. My poor consumption and activity habits had caused me to pack on an extra couple, which caused me to develop a method that has worked wonders for me in hindering an increase in my weight, and I bestow them upon you!

Note: Not laboratory tested. Results may vary.

11 Things Your Server Wants You To Know (So We Don't Hate You)

I like to think after three years of serving at a restaurant I shall not name, but rhymes with Shmapplebee's, I have a fair amount of experience in dealing with a great deal of customers, each with their own, sometimes terrible, personalities. In the fantastic words of Daniel Tosh, "I believe that everyone should wait tables at least one year of your life, just so you realize that your ranch dressing isn't that fucking important."  Truer words have never been spoken.  If people would wait tables at least once, they would realize how frustrating some of their behaviors are to the staff.  Hopefully this post will enlighten people on how to act in a restaurant so your server doesn't hate you.

Parenting Advice - Babysitting

In our fast-paced world, it's common for both parents in a family to work, and while the parents are gone, someone needs to look after their children. This responsibility usually falls on a complete stranger, someone who is paid to watch your kids even though you may know nothing about them. Keep this in mind while looking into this crucial aspect of parenting.

Certification

Personally, I don't see the need for a babysitter to be certified if you know them well and trust their methods of care. However, my babysitter was not certified, and when inspectors came by to check how many kids she babysat in her house, she would make my brother and I hide behind couches and in dark closets for hours at a time.

Visit and Check-In
It's important to ensure that your child is in the best possible care, which you can do by making unexpected visits. I don't remember being a terrible kid, but my babysitter often made me sleep and take naps everyday in that same dark closet, 

Things You Never Take From A Man In A Dark Alley

My new banner so you know when I write stuff.  I am very really super proud of this.

A dark alley.  A place home to homeless people, used needles, overflowing dumpsters, and unwanted babies.  Oh, and men offering services that are meant to be handled by professionals.  I wanted to write a guide for you, valued readers, of what to never take from a man in a dark alley.

Guns
Here's a quick fact: 100% of guns bought from a man in a dark alley will be stolen; not stolen by you, but stolen by the man.  Here's another fact: if you buy a gun from a man in a dark alley, he will shoot you with another gun.  He made his money and you're in an alley dumpster with the reject babies and day-old donuts.  Good one, slick.

"When I shoot you, you're going straight to the dumpster along with this baby."

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People We Are Forced To Trust

At some point in our lives we are forced to trust a stranger, it's inevitable.  These are people we must rely on to do certain tasks; like we trust our plumber knows his pipes, our mechanic knows how to fix cars, our barber knows proper cutting techniques, and our banker knows basic math.  These are people who handle minor tasks in our lives, here's a list of people we have to trust with our lives...

Things Your Waiter Won't Tell You

Every job has their secrets.  Bankers steal money, mechanics inflate their bills, and plumbers like playing with feces.  Waiters are no different.  The job of a waiter can get redundant and can be very low paying, depending on the night; so we try to make our job as fun and profitable as possible, even if it means showing favoritism and practicing theatricality and psychological deception, both powerful agents to the uninitiated.  Let me reveal some of our darkest thoughts that are hidden behind our charming smiles and devilishly good looks.

I'm like the Masked Magician, except with food service.

We upsell everything, without telling you
Every dollar that gets added onto your bill translates to a larger tip and upselling is the easiest way to do this.  Whenever possible, we will get your bill higher, even if you don't realize it at the time.  Pay attention, clever phrasing will alter your thinking and deceive you into paying extra without knowing you are.

The Great American Telecommunication Standoff

There is nothing worse than the conversation on the phone that goes unnecessarily long just to say, "Meet you in five."  It's just a simple phrase that isn't worth a phone call, so we just text it.

There is nothing worse than getting to a restaurant before the other members of your party because the text that said, "Meet you in five," meant five hours, not five minutes.

Telecommunication is a lose-lose situation, but which form of communication is ultimately better?  Talking or texting?

"How will I make the meeting in five minutes if I'm wearing this damn helmet!"

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Life Lessons I Learned From Ghost Hunting School

I live a pretty tame life.  School, homework, sleep, repeat.  Pretty straightforward and not the most interesting thing ever.  That is, until I saw the greatest thing I have ever seen, an Introduction to Ghost Hunting class.  I had to do this.  So I signed up to become a Certified Ghost Hunter and immediately started  learning the ins and outs of ghost hunting.  It was a five week program and I received all the lessons in PDF form.  The class was 20 pages long.

Easily the proudest moment of my life.

The Writing Process of a Neurotic Perfectionist

Unlike a lot of people, I love writing.  Everything from research reports to creative essays to persuasion papers.  Well, not everything.  Poetry is terrible. 

Simple is poetry when sentences sense make none.

So, my writing process...

Step 1:  I usually start my writing by staring blankly at a wall for a couple of minutes or hours.  Hopefully in this time a subject comes to me.  If not, well, I stare at a different wall.  Something usually comes to me within a week. 

A true genius at work