The quote above is completely factual. What? Where did I find it? I read it in a newspaper, you've probably never heard of it. The newspaper isn't what's important. What IS important is that you have the capability of making a change in this deeply troubled culture. If you're considering owning a Goth, here are a few more reasons why you might want one.
Massages
A little-known feat of the Gothic culture is that they are great at giving massages. Strangling cats and mixing potions all day apparently builds strong hands, which is essential for your everyday relaxation needs.
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| "That's the spot Clarissa, knead my muscles like a cat's neck!" |
Forget setting up scarecrows in your fields or buying eloquent gargoyles and statues for your home, Goths are a substitute you may want to consider. Goths have the ability to freeze and form into disturbing yet equally mesmerizing poses. Although the term "living" is used quite liberally here since we all know Goths are as dead inside as the trail of rotting cat corpses they leave behind, you get the general idea. Just remember to take them in before nightfall...
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| What an eloquent statue! |
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| Fooled you! It's just a creepy Goth girl. |
Added Bonus: This "Living Statue" technique also means you don't have to feed your Goth anymore. They're in an outdoor environment, they can eat birds, squirrels and shit like that.
Lesbians
'Nuff said.
It's sadly true that not all Goths can be helped, but you have the ability to give them a comfortable home and admirable purpose for the rest of their tormented years. If you can find a place in your heart for the midnight shrieking and cat carcasses (might be a deal breaker for some), you can make this country a better place, and as President Obama puts it, "make the world a better place."
All images from Stock Free Images
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