A Letter From The Man Who Stole My Dog

I had a dream to write this letter.  It turned out darker than I thought it would.  Oh well...

If you are reading this, well, you found this note.  You're probably wondering why I wrote this message to you, but I bet wondering more about your missing dog.  This note is connected to that.  I am aware of the absence of your dog because I have this power that allows me to detect missing dogs; he probably just ran away, or she ran away, I can't tell the sex with my powers.  You see, dogs are beautiful beasts of nature and deserve to frolic through open fields, not be holed up in a neglectful home with an owner that so carelessly leaves the house key under a fucking rock by the door.  Are you stupid?  A man who has been watching your behaviors for the last two weeks could easily notice that your niece came over one day without a key, looked under said rock, and found one.


This discovery gives a cat burglar, or more fittingly dog burglar, the opportunity to unlock the door and grab your cute little dog.  If you couldn't tell by now, I stole your dog.  Yes, the very man who has written you the note describing your shortcomings, stole your precious dog.  It was quite easy.  I sat in my car documenting your daily activit...oh yeah, I already described this.

"The knife made me feel cooler and more burglar-like."

Stock Free Images

I know you're probably thinking, "What kind of man would steal a dog?"  I have a very good explanation.  A month ago, I lost my wife.  How I lost her isn't really vital to the story, but since you are a curious bastard, let's just say she was shot by your dog.  Now I lost my spot in the story...oh yeah, I lost my wife by the paws of you damn dog.  I miss her dearly and have contemplated suicide many times.  Should I end my life by poison?  Hanging?  Gunshot?  Or, I could just piss off your dog.  My loneliness had to come to an end, otherwise my life would, and that's just terrible.  So I thought about how fun and lifesaving a dog would be, but I had a slight roadblock in my quest for a dog.  Have you ever bought a dog?  Shit, that was a stupid question, of course you have.  You're probably questioning my intelligence now, but maybe not, maybe you stole your dog from someone else.  Well, dogs are expensive and my lack of money caused an obvious problem.  Here's where you come in.  You are a selfish jerk who leaves for work at 11:00 a.m. and doesn't come home until 10:00 p.m., which, by my calculations, leaves your dog at home for eleven hours a day.  On a side note, what kind of job has you working eleven hours a day?  And, not just five days a week, but all seven?  

On second thought, I'd rather not know what you do.

Stock Free Images

Your dog would watch out the window, waiting for you to come home.  It was a sad sight.  When I saw your niece reveal the poorly chosen hiding spot for your key, I started coming into your house to play with your dog and take her for short walks.  At this point, I'm pretty sure she likes me more than you (she's a she, I just checked).  Think of me as a dog saver.

"Canines! Hath no fear! I shall save you!"

Stock Free Images

At this point in my story, you're probably wondering about the broken window.  Even though I had a key and the ability to quietly enter your house and nab your dog, I thought it would be much cooler to throw a brick through the window so I could make a dramatic entry.  Nobody saw me do this, but I would imagine I looked pretty awesome.  This brings to me to my next concern: your security system, or your lack of one.  When I broke the window, nothing happened.  Your dog acted a little surprised, but that was it.  I was a little disappointed.  For a man who works long hours at an unknown occupation, I kind of assumed you would have the money for an alarm.  I bet you'll get one now, so you're welcome.  See, good things have come from this.  Win/win, right?

So now that you've hidden your key in a new place and fixed that window, I just want to offer one more piece of advice.  If you want a pet that you can enjoy and neglect at the same time, just buy a guinea pig; those are useless and nobody cares if they die.  If you don't like it, just throw it away.  A dog has feelings, guinea pigs have evil.  You can hurt guinea pigs all day (I'd rather you not torture it), but if you hurt a dog, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.  Ha, just kidding, I felt it fitting to quote a movie there.  Anyways, but really, you know what?  I don't like you.

"I use knives because guns are too quick. I want to see you suffer.
Yes, I stole that from another movie, but it was fitting in this situation too and I felt cool quoting it."

Stock Free Images

This letter took a bad turn very quickly and I'm genuinely sorry about that.  I have never hurt a man and will probably not hurt you.  You can leave your key where it is, I promise I won't break in.  Tell you what, I will continue to watch your house for you while you are at work, just to be sure nobody finds your poorly hidden key.  Think of this as a kind gesture for stealing your dog.  I'm kidding again, I won't watch your house.  I am keeping Helen.  Oh yeah, I named her Helen.

With no love at all,
The man who stole your dog.