My Ten Minutes As A Life Alert Employee - A Prank Call Gone Wrong

People make prank calls all the time, which makes me feel left out because I've never made one, that is, until now.  I decided I would try a little prank by calling a random number from the phone book; a harmless act, right?  It turned out that my phone call went awry very quickly.  Here is the transcription.

"Is your refrigerator running?"

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Hello?

Hi, this is Life Alert, can I interest you in a one-year subscription?

I'm only thirty, why would I need that?

Well, what if you fall and can't get up?

Nice job quoting the commercial, but I'm glad you called.  I'm actually stuck.

Stuck?  Stuck where?

In my bathroom.

How did you get there?

I was getting out of the shower and I slipped.  Now I'm wedged between the toilet and the bathtub.

I see.  Quick question for you; why didn't you call somebody for help?  You would be in much better hands.

Umm...

Okay, besides the point I guess.  You're stuck with me now.  Let's analyze your situation.  You were out partying last night, came home, passed out in the bathtub, puked on yourself, showered it off and then slipped, which brings us to you being stuck.

"Boy did we get indubitably intoxicated last evening."

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That's not what happened.

I didn't think so, but I wanted to spice up the story a little more.  Let's get you unstuck.  Are you naked?

Of course, I just got out of the shower.  What does that matter?

It's funnier if you're naked.

You're a dick.

Sorry, nakedness will help you, though.  Are you still wet?

Yes.

And you can't wiggle out?

If I could, why would we be talking?

Ahh, good point.  You, my friend, are a smart man.  

Thanks.

Don't thank me, not yet.

Is that from Batman?

Why yes, yes it is.  I like you.  Let's be friends.

Best friends?

No.  Back to the situation at hand.  Listen carefully, look around the bathroom, is there a saw?

A saw?

Yes, a saw.

No.  Did you really expect there to be a saw in my bathroom?  And what would that help me with?

First question, maybe you bring saws into your bathroom while drunk.  Second question, you could cut off your limbs like the movie Saw.  Remember how that guy cut off his foot?  That was awesome.  Do you like that movie?  Oh my God, I just realized why they titled that movie Saw!  It's because he uses a saw to--

For being Life Alert, you aren't helping me very much.

Oh, I should probably clarify something here.  This is not Life Alert, just a guy prank calling.

You've got to be kidding me.

Nope, no kidding here.  Back to your problem.  Naked, wet, stuck, crying, and no saw.  Wait a second, I just thought of something!  Do you have a screwdriver?

Who do you think I am?  Do you have tools in your bathroom?

Of course not, I'm not a freak.

Then why do you think I hav--

I also do not get stuck in my toilet. 

Between my toilet and shower, not in my toilet.

Apples to oranges.  I got it!  For real this time!

Really?!?

No...but I just thought of something.  How much can you bench press?

Not sure.  Why does it matter?

I'm just curious.  I just want to get to know you a little bit.  I can bench press 180.  Have you tried punching the toilet?  You know, to break it.

I will try that.

*Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh*

Are you...nevermind.  I'm going to assume you took my advice and are punching the toilet.  Is it working?

Yes, but now my toilet is leaking.

Are you free?

No, but I'm getting toilet water on me.  Shit...

Eww, gross.  You got shit on you?

No, no, no, I said that out of frustration.

Watch your potty mouth!  Are you free?

No, but I'm soaked now and really exhausted from punching.

That's a shame.  I guess you should stop punching and stay stuck.  It was nice talking to you.

Wait, I'll keep going.  Don't leave me.

*Ugh, uuuuugh, uuuuuuuuugh*

What the hell?  I would swear you are m--

Wait a second, it's almost completely broken.  I'm almost out!

Does it sound like I care?

If you don't care, then why did you stay on the line?

I'm having fun.

Do you think this is some sort of game?

Yes, that was the intention until you got stuck in the toilet, now I feel like I actually work for Life Alert.  Are you free yet?

Almost, calm down.  Toilets are strong.

Especially when a weak man is punching it.

That was a good one...I'm free!  Now I got another problem.  My breaking of the toilet caused it to flood my bathroom!  What should I do?

"I have defeated the toilet!"

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How the hell would I know?  I didn't even know how to get you unstuck.  I was just feeding you shit, get it?  You were by the toilet and getting toilet water on you?

That was another good one.

You're flattering me, but I'm going to go.

Why?

Do you need my help anymore?

I guess not...

As for your toilet exploding, call a plumber, not me.

Okay, thanks for the help.  I love you.

What?

...Nothing.

Well, I'm leaving.  It was nice meeting you.  I would recommend getting Life Alert because you seem to live a very reckless life.

Bye.

Yeah.


Any pranks go wrong in your life or any cool ones to share? Let us know and comment below!