How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 1

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It's no surprise that our society loves to constantly adapt trends and fads into daily life. While some are worse than others (I'm talking about you, Beliebers), certain ones disrupt essential parts of our lives or are downright dangerous. Yes, you know of what I speak. The dreaded Goth was believed to be declining, but recent evidence reveals that the Goth is still a definite plague in some areas of our world today. 

Even though Goths can be difficult to deal with, don't let this discourage you! No longer will those troublesome creatures be hiding your TV remotes, peeing on your floor or bathing in puppy blood. Let loose the studded belts and thick black eye liner, this is our step-by-step guide to training your very own goth!

First and foremost, you should know that Goths are very trainable. Many of their natural abilities are perfect for your everyday situations.




Avoiding Unwanted People
This is a problem experienced by many people, especially girls. In normal circumstances, when that annoying guy from class spots you across the room, you'd have to awkwardly listen to his boring stories about beating his grandmother at Monopoly, but not anymore! Goths are great at looking stoic and creepy, perfect for warding off any unwanted people that suck to talk to.

"OMG, here comes Josh! Just stand there and look like a sad mime...perfect!"

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"Okay Clarissa, he's gone, you can stop now...you're kind of creeping me out."

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Climbing
The skill of climbing is an essential tool in any person's life. Whether you need to get a frisbee off of your roof or simply sneak into your neighbor's house and steal their shit, Goths are perfect for these tasks.

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Warning: Supervision may be necessary for stealing your neighbor's shit...Goths love to strangle cats. This could be problematic.

Listening To Your Neighbors
Sick of pressing your ear to the paint? In addition to stealing your neighbor's shit, Goths are also great for eavesdropping and learning the deepest and darkest secrets of those closest to you. Goths are born and bred bastards of the night with black attire and dyed hair, so let their natural camouflage serve to your advantage!

"Clarissa, stop growling, there aren't any cats in there."

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The Future
Research has indicated that 1 out of 37 people are afflicted with the dreaded Goth gene (totally true). But looking ahead to the future and what is to come, this societal plague doesn't have to be as grim as the Gothic community looks. With some time and patience, we can eliminate this threat to our society and look towards a sun bright enough to pierce the tormented soul of each and every Goth...if they had souls, that is. They've already sold them to Satan, but you get the idea...