The Creepiest Business Ever: The Snuggery

Have you ever felt lonely?  Depressed?  In need of a hug?  Or are you just sick of hugging your cat in bed?  Well, do I have the business for you!  Check it out, you call this lady and she will cuddle with you!  All for the low price of $1/minute!  Sound too good to be true?!?  Sadly, it is not.

"I hope it's true, Mr. Cuddles doesn't like being hugged."

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11 Things Your Server Wants You To Know (So We Don't Hate You)

I like to think after three years of serving at a restaurant I shall not name, but rhymes with Shmapplebee's, I have a fair amount of experience in dealing with a great deal of customers, each with their own, sometimes terrible, personalities. In the fantastic words of Daniel Tosh, "I believe that everyone should wait tables at least one year of your life, just so you realize that your ranch dressing isn't that fucking important."  Truer words have never been spoken.  If people would wait tables at least once, they would realize how frustrating some of their behaviors are to the staff.  Hopefully this post will enlighten people on how to act in a restaurant so your server doesn't hate you.

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 3

Owning a Goth takes serious responsibility and commitment. At the end of the day, it is your responsibility to show your Goth that you wear the big-buckled gothy pants in the outfit, not them. But that's meant figuratively, of course. They still literally wear those pants...

Discipline
The problem with all pets is that they have the ability to disobey you, but one of the best parts about Goths is they are easy to discipline. If they ever let loose that angsty attitude on you, remember that you are the boss. Goths typically come with chains and confining jewelry, convenient for keeping their obedience in line. And don't be afraid to get rough...in fact, they usually prefer that.

Elderly Woman Claims Singers Are Too Sexy

In Austin, Texas, an elderly woman, Beatrice Talbut, sits at her television in disgust; "It's all boobs, butt, and sex," she says.  Recently, she watched the Superbowl with Beyonce performing during the half-time show, but only for a short period of time.  She claims that, "I always expect them to strip down and start making whoopee on the television, just disgusting."  This brings up the question; are singers and models dressing too sexy?

Parenting Advice - Babysitting

In our fast-paced world, it's common for both parents in a family to work, and while the parents are gone, someone needs to look after their children. This responsibility usually falls on a complete stranger, someone who is paid to watch your kids even though you may know nothing about them. Keep this in mind while looking into this crucial aspect of parenting.

Certification

Personally, I don't see the need for a babysitter to be certified if you know them well and trust their methods of care. However, my babysitter was not certified, and when inspectors came by to check how many kids she babysat in her house, she would make my brother and I hide behind couches and in dark closets for hours at a time.

Visit and Check-In
It's important to ensure that your child is in the best possible care, which you can do by making unexpected visits. I don't remember being a terrible kid, but my babysitter often made me sleep and take naps everyday in that same dark closet, 

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 2

"The debt ceiling, unemployment levels, and gun control laws are some of the main problems I plan on changing. But I also have hope, an audacity of hope for the Gothic culture, which is the biggest crisis facing our country today." -Barack Obama

The quote above is completely factual. What? Where did I find it? I read it in a newspaper, you've probably never heard of it. The newspaper isn't what's important. What IS important is that you have the capability of making a change in this deeply troubled culture. If you're considering owning a Goth, here are a few more reasons why you might want one.

Realistically, How People Spend Valentine's Day

"I'm just pretending to be happy!"

Valentine's Day is the day full of stress and disappointment.  No matter what your relationship status is, Valentine's becomes a nuisance that only Hallmark and Nicholas Sparks seem to enjoy.  It's really just a day to watch romantic comedies, write poems that say things like, "Our love is so true, like the ocean is blue," and other lame-ass things.

I've waited forever to use this picture...

"You're my 's-wheaty' pie."

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But does anybody really enjoy Valentine's Day anymore?  I doubt it, so let's look at the sad reality of how people spend the day of love not loving.

"Like" My Facebook Photo - My Quest To One Million "Likes"

Well, it was inevitable, a new Facebook fad has emerged for attention whores and basement dwellers to make friends, or get popular, same thing.  The new thing everybody is doing is posting pictures of, "Like this and this will happen or you will die."  A spin-off of those pictures are the, "One million 'Likes' and I will get to do this!"  Whether the activity is having sex or curing cancer (yes, curing cancer), so many people have the fallacy that "liking" a picture will get you places.  I would be willing to bet that there is some mental disorder related to trying to be the most popular person, or having the most popular picture, by creating something visually loud, deceitful, dramatic, and peer-approved.  Oh wait, isn't that the exact definition of histrionic personality disorder?

One nipple ring short from being the creepiest guy at Starbucks.

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Becoming An 80 Year-Old Woman

We are ever-changing, whether we like it or not. Even if you're unaware of it, for better or for worse, the likes, dislikes, beliefs and values of your very person are changing right under your nose. Many of these changes you experience are slow, often going unnoticed until the transformations are complete, but they are modifications to your character that you eventually must embrace...

For instance, I've considered myself a pretty normal guy the majority of my life so far, which is probably debatable by some. But until recently, I've noticed a direction my life has taken, a track no normal 22 year-old man should be on, but one that is now inevitable…It's official, I’m becoming an 80 year-old woman.

How To Train Your Goth - Vol. 1

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It's no surprise that our society loves to constantly adapt trends and fads into daily life. While some are worse than others (I'm talking about you, Beliebers), certain ones disrupt essential parts of our lives or are downright dangerous. Yes, you know of what I speak. The dreaded Goth was believed to be declining, but recent evidence reveals that the Goth is still a definite plague in some areas of our world today. 

Even though Goths can be difficult to deal with, don't let this discourage you! No longer will those troublesome creatures be hiding your TV remotes, peeing on your floor or bathing in puppy blood. Let loose the studded belts and thick black eye liner, this is our step-by-step guide to training your very own goth!

First and foremost, you should know that Goths are very trainable. Many of their natural abilities are perfect for your everyday situations.

The Greatest Invention

Take a second to ponder this; what is the greatest invention ever?  Electronics?  Medicine?  Plumbing?  Engines?  Those are all stereotypical answers that everybody comes up with, but they are also all dead wrong.

Unfortunately it's not this.
Unfortunately it's not this.
Unfortunately it's not this.

The greatest invention in the history of the world is in your very room; it's found in homes, schools, offices, hospitals, and everywhere else on Earth.  The concept has been around since we started classifying people as "homos" and it has finally been perfected in the modern world.

More Oddly Specific And Common Behaviors In Stock Photography

I'm back with another edition of Oddly Specific And Common Behaviors In Stock Photography!  In case you didn't see the last one, you can find it HERE.  I don't feel like wasting time with another introduction, so I will get straight to the best part.  This edition doesn't single out women like the last one did, I desegregated this one...kind of...

Pregnant women love yellow flowers

How To Be A Tough Guy

Have you ever noticed that Hollywood loves to stick to their stereotypes? No matter what movie you’re watching, stereotypical characters seem to be present, like the dimwitted preppy girl, the nerd, and even the douchebag jock. But seeing these traits and how common they are, it got me thinking; if all you have to do is apply these traits, you can totally transform your image. I've compiled a few of the most common tough guy traits in this post. Do you have what it takes?

*Certified Tough Guy*

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