Things You Never Take From A Man In A Dark Alley

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A dark alley.  A place home to homeless people, used needles, overflowing dumpsters, and unwanted babies.  Oh, and men offering services that are meant to be handled by professionals.  I wanted to write a guide for you, valued readers, of what to never take from a man in a dark alley.

Guns
Here's a quick fact: 100% of guns bought from a man in a dark alley will be stolen; not stolen by you, but stolen by the man.  Here's another fact: if you buy a gun from a man in a dark alley, he will shoot you with another gun.  He made his money and you're in an alley dumpster with the reject babies and day-old donuts.  Good one, slick.

"When I shoot you, you're going straight to the dumpster along with this baby."

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Massages
Massages are uncomfortable enough when done by a professional (see some other post where I cover this), so imagine being rubbed by a man in a dark alley.  Even though his sign says, "Profeshunal Masoose," he will act unprofessionally and inappropriately rub you, and that is a hard fact.  No sane person would even consider this offer, but who can resist a free massage?

"The gun? That's part of the massage."

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The luxury of being touched by hands callused from years of drug abuse and climbing ladders to escape from police is something of fairy tales.  Speaking of fairy tales, don't be fooled if the man looks like Prince Charming; looks mean nothing out on the street.  One minute you're being wooed by a stud and the next you're waking up in a puddle of water with your clothes and valuables missing, but your body feels incredible.

Surgery
You have just left the doctor's office with a diagnosis of something that requires an expensive surgery, but you are short on money and lack insurance.  As you leave, you hear a voice beckoning you from behind a dumpster.  It's a man from a dark alley.  "I hear you're short on funds.  I watch Dr. Oz on the Wal-Mart televisions.  I can do your surgery."  You're probably thinking about how this guy is legit because Dr. Oz is a very informative man.

"Dr. Oz said the needle goes straight into your eye."

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This offer shouldn't even be given two seconds of consideration, but what if this guy is like the golden voice hobo and has the potential to be a world-renowned surgeon?  So you sit there with a split-second moment of truth; do you take the surgery and die, take the surgery and live, or be smart and just don't let an under-qualified man touch you.

I wanted to add a portion about abortions with a coat-hanger, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  You're welcome.

Medicine

"Ha, he really thinks this is a sedative?"

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If you've made the mistake of having an operation done by a man in a dark alley, chances are that you will need a ton of medications, you know, because of the infections caused by not-very-sterile-and-probably-reused tools.  Medicine can be a touchy subject because if the man was skilled enough to not kill you, maybe his medicine will do the same.  This is a situation that you will have to use your best judgment on.  For all you know, the medicine could be laced with rat poison or whatever else sketchy men put in medicine.

I hope you read up on your meds, half of those are Viagra.

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Financial Advise
This one is pretty obvious.  Why would you take financial advise from a man living in dark alleys?  Sure, he knows a good scam or two, but legit ways of making money are nonexistent in his mind.  You may think, "Hey, a man in an alley wants to teach me financial advise, maybe he will teach me pickpocketing or Three Card Monte."  This will not happen.  Some red flags to watch for while getting advise are: him asking for personal information (social security number, address, bank accounts), asking to take your picture, asking to see your credit cards, and inviting you to his car.  If he asks for any of these things, you will be identity thieved.

"The gun? Oh, umm, you like my toupee?"

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Food
Any food that belongs to a dark alley dweller will always be day-old donuts, bread crumbs stole from the pigeons, half-eaten garbage can sandwiches, or mold.  You eat this, you die; it's poisoned.

A gun? No, it's a French banana.

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