Things You Never Take From A Man In A Dark Alley

My new banner so you know when I write stuff.  I am very really super proud of this.

A dark alley.  A place home to homeless people, used needles, overflowing dumpsters, and unwanted babies.  Oh, and men offering services that are meant to be handled by professionals.  I wanted to write a guide for you, valued readers, of what to never take from a man in a dark alley.

Guns
Here's a quick fact: 100% of guns bought from a man in a dark alley will be stolen; not stolen by you, but stolen by the man.  Here's another fact: if you buy a gun from a man in a dark alley, he will shoot you with another gun.  He made his money and you're in an alley dumpster with the reject babies and day-old donuts.  Good one, slick.

"When I shoot you, you're going straight to the dumpster along with this baby."

Stock Free Images

Biggest Disappointments of the Failed Mayan Prophecy

Well, December 21^st has officially passed, you know, that dreaded day the Mayan’s predicted would be the end of the world, I’m sure you’re all quite familiar with it by now. And although the Mayans were wrong (surprised?), the world didn't end (yay!), and we’re ever so thankful for it, yada yada yada, we have a few bones to pick over the whole ordeal. I value the continuation of life and all that good stuff, but to be honest, I was looking forward to some things ending. If the Mayans were right, we wouldn't have to experience those everyday annoyances or see certain events come to fruition. Here are a few of the things I would like to be eliminated.

Oddly Specific And Common Behaviors In Stock Photography

Stock photography is a great source for entertainment, so much that I enjoy browsing through the photos for fun.  While browsing, I started noticing odd behaviors among the models.  These behaviors, though odd, are actually extremely common, for reasons I will never know.  Here are some of said behaviors involving women and their treatment of laptops.  Before you accuse me of being sexist, these, for some reason, are behaviors unique to women.  I have seen exactly zero men doing these activities, so don't complain.

Women enjoy hugging laptops

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Top 6 of 2012

I'm proud of this banner.

Now that 2012 is coming to an end, we can reflect on what has happened this year: we didn't perish in the fires of Mayan Hell, Curiosity lands on Mars, Whitney Houston died (no surprise there), The Black Eyed Peas didn't die, some famous couple got married, and Hollywood finally figured out how to make an acceptable movie.  Here at TBMP, we are going to look at the high points of the year and make you forget about the awful things that have happened, like The Black Eyed Peas I mentioned earlier.

New Writer

School is over and this place has been getting a lot of traffic recently; as a result, I decided I would like to try and grow it some more.  I realize that I have been slacking on posts for a while, so by bringing in another writer, hopefully, this place can get regular posts.  His name is Devon and he will be joining the TBMP team.  So, if the quality starts declining, don't blame me.  We'll let you know who writes what, just so you don't get confused and can pick favorites.

He looks like this; except red hair, no facial hair potential, and wears shirts.

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People We Are Forced To Trust

At some point in our lives we are forced to trust a stranger, it's inevitable.  These are people we must rely on to do certain tasks; like we trust our plumber knows his pipes, our mechanic knows how to fix cars, our barber knows proper cutting techniques, and our banker knows basic math.  These are people who handle minor tasks in our lives, here's a list of people we have to trust with our lives...

Things Your Waiter Won't Tell You

Every job has their secrets.  Bankers steal money, mechanics inflate their bills, and plumbers like playing with feces.  Waiters are no different.  The job of a waiter can get redundant and can be very low paying, depending on the night; so we try to make our job as fun and profitable as possible, even if it means showing favoritism and practicing theatricality and psychological deception, both powerful agents to the uninitiated.  Let me reveal some of our darkest thoughts that are hidden behind our charming smiles and devilishly good looks.

I'm like the Masked Magician, except with food service.

We upsell everything, without telling you
Every dollar that gets added onto your bill translates to a larger tip and upselling is the easiest way to do this.  Whenever possible, we will get your bill higher, even if you don't realize it at the time.  Pay attention, clever phrasing will alter your thinking and deceive you into paying extra without knowing you are.

The Great American Telecommunication Standoff

There is nothing worse than the conversation on the phone that goes unnecessarily long just to say, "Meet you in five."  It's just a simple phrase that isn't worth a phone call, so we just text it.

There is nothing worse than getting to a restaurant before the other members of your party because the text that said, "Meet you in five," meant five hours, not five minutes.

Telecommunication is a lose-lose situation, but which form of communication is ultimately better?  Talking or texting?

"How will I make the meeting in five minutes if I'm wearing this damn helmet!"

Stock Free Images

Serious Time

I have to get semi-serious for this post, which is going to be tough because I like making jokes too much.  Well, here it goes...

My favorite band is Tool.  No doubt about it.  The sense of awe and enamor while listening is unlike anything else in the music world.  Back in high school, around 2008, I wrote an essay about the lead singer, Maynard James Keenan, and how he impacted this world.  His emotions flood from his lyrics, lyrics that he keeps open for interpretation so we can all experience the music in our own way.

 Yes, this is the musical genius I speak of.

The Least Effective Weapons To Use During A Zombie Apacolypse

I love zombies.  Video games, movies, TV shows, or anything else that has them.  I like it.  I have seen so many things involving the killing of zombies that I have a solid grasp on how to deal with them.  Every time you see someone kill a zombie, they try to make it look as awesome as possible, but what if a real zombie apocalypse were to happen?  What weapons would people grab?  The cool movie ones, of course.

Boxing gloves - Only effective if used by Ivan Drago.
(Dead Rising 2)

Dissecting 2012: The End Of The World

I am a firm believer that the world is going to end in 2012.  There is plenty of evidence all around us, you just have to know where to look.  Signs of impending doom are the Mayan calendar...the...Mayan calendar...well that's pretty much it.  Just kidding, I'm not one of those survivalist disaster people.  Even so, it still baffles me how people can think the world is going to end, so I decided to do some investigating on the subject and get to the bottom of this.  Is it a hoax or an all to real event that will kill us all?  Spoiler alert: It's a hoax.

They are going to look awfully stupid when the world doesn't end and

they spent their life savings on gas masks and toilet paper.

Why Beauty Pageants Are So Great

I'm a guy, so I know a lot about beauty pageants.  You get a bunch of females (ages 1-30) and pick which one is the most popular.  This is done through a series of tests, like a talent show, how straight they can walk and turn, who can wear the most revealing swimsuit, which contestant can answer a question less stupid than the others, and who is fanciest in the fancy clothes.  You know, who is best at the important things in life.

Attractive in a pants suit, great smile, talented politician,

now we just have to fix her famous Hitler wave and we got Miss America.

Life Lessons I Learned From Ghost Hunting School

I live a pretty tame life.  School, homework, sleep, repeat.  Pretty straightforward and not the most interesting thing ever.  That is, until I saw the greatest thing I have ever seen, an Introduction to Ghost Hunting class.  I had to do this.  So I signed up to become a Certified Ghost Hunter and immediately started  learning the ins and outs of ghost hunting.  It was a five week program and I received all the lessons in PDF form.  The class was 20 pages long.

Easily the proudest moment of my life.

In The Spirit of Halloween...

I'm going to talk about scary movies.  Movies, in general, are usually pretty fun to go see.  Though not for everyone, horror movies are especially fun.

You know it's good when it destroys your childhood.

I'm not quite sure what it is about scary movies that make them so fun and no matter how you try and describe the appeal of them, you will always sound like a sadist.  "They are these movies where helpless people are mentally and physically tortured by monsters and supernatural beings.  What's that?  You don't want to be friends anymore?  Yeah, I don't blame you."

Spongebob Squarepants - A Menace In Disguise?

SpongeBob SquarePants.  We all know him, unless you've been living under a rock for the past 13 years.  He is the lovable, pants-wearing, fry-cook, yellow sponge that entertains us with his nonsense and brings joy to children and adults all over the world.  This show provides dumbed-down humor for children, but still slips in the occasional adult joke to keep the parents interested, like SpongeBob warning Gary to not drop the soap in the shower.

He also makes you gay.

But, is SpongeBob actually a menace to children? A study proved that the fast-paced cartoon actually hurts a child's attention and problem-solving skills.  Hurts may be a soft word, the results show that SpongeBob kills the child's skills.  Children watching SpongeBob performed 55% worse than the ones coloring and 20% worse than the children watching Cailou.  I guess it makes sense when SpongeBob is compared to Cailou and coloring pictures that it may negatively impact cognitive abilities, but SpongeBob isn't made to be educational.

A Smuggler of Epic Proportions

Breaking news unearthed a man who has been selling dinosaur fossils illegally to museums and whoever else would want to buy a dinosaur.  Eric Prokopi, a native of Florida, has been charged with illegally importing the fossils to the United States from Mongolia and faces up to 35 years in prison.  His operation has been called a "one-man black market in prehistoric fossils."

Dinosaur bones?  Right next to the AK-47s and kidneys.

If a man went through the trouble of smuggling several full size dinosaurs, mainly a Tarbosaurus (which is the size of a T-rex, which, from my no knowledge of smuggling, is a pretty damn big package size), to another country, I would be more impressed than anything.  Just the fact that he got a hold of a dinosaur is impressive.

I can only assume it looked something like this.

Blog I hate. Blogs I love.

I don't read blogs, I just have one.  While searching for blogs to start reading, I came across three that caught my eye.  Best of Picfoolery, Stuff White People Like, and The Problem with Young People Today Is....  The purpose of this post is to inform you of which blogs are worth reading and which one is almost not even worth mentioning.

I'm going to start with the bad blog.  Sometimes I read something that is so bad that I feel like I have lost knowledge.  I cannot even wrap my head around why this blog exists and why Al Gore hasn't taken it off his Internet yet.  But, I feel like it is my duty to inform people about this blog so they do not make the same mistake I did by reading it.  This sorry excuse of Internet space is the infamous Best of Picfoolery.

Yeah baby, feet are hysterical.
                                                              Picfoolery

This is a Kick-Ass Post

Who hasn't wanted to be a superhero before?  I think that is a dream everyone has shared at some point.  The superpowers, the fame, the fighting of crime.  It all sounds great, so why can't we all be one?

All it takes is a Snuggy, some imagination, 30 seconds in Photoshop,
and the realization you look like a complete idiot.

In the sea of superhero movies, it is hard to find one that truly stands out among the rest.  It seems that every movie is a reboot of a series or another part of a trilogy.  One movie takes the spotlight from the rest, not because it has amazing superheros, but because it has a geeky kid who wants to play superhero...and fails.  That movie is Kick-Ass (that's the title, but it is also pretty kick ass).  

The Writing Process of a Neurotic Perfectionist

Unlike a lot of people, I love writing.  Everything from research reports to creative essays to persuasion papers.  Well, not everything.  Poetry is terrible. 

Simple is poetry when sentences sense make none.

So, my writing process...

Step 1:  I usually start my writing by staring blankly at a wall for a couple of minutes or hours.  Hopefully in this time a subject comes to me.  If not, well, I stare at a different wall.  Something usually comes to me within a week. 

A true genius at work

The Near Drowing of an Innocent Child

I have been a swimmer my whole life.  Not a competitive swimmer.  I cannot breaststroke or backstroke, but more of a water basketball and doggy paddle kind of swimmer.  The first time I experienced a full size swimming pool was incredible.  By incredible, I mean incredibly terrifying.  Picture an innocent six-year-old boy getting outfitted with a life jacket so he can swim with the big people.

Swimming is fun.

Brave New World

"Alpha children wear grey. They work much harder than we do, because they're so frightfully clever. I'm really awfully glad I'm a Beta, because I don't work so hard. And then we are much better than the Gammas and Deltas. Gammas are stupid. They all wear green, and Delta children wear khaki. Oh no, I don't want to play with Delta children. And Epsilons are still worse. They're too stupid to be able …"  This quote is the basis of Brave New World.  In 2540 A.F. (After Ford), England believes that they have created a perfect world, a utopia.  The key to a working society, in their eyes, is stability.  To create and maintain stability, humans are artificially “born” and are sorted into social classes based on their genetic structure.  From birth to adulthood, everybody learns to appreciate their social class, mainly by hearing recordings like the one quoted above for the Beta class.  Through all the lifelong social conditioning, only one person opens his eyes to see that the so-called “utopia” is actually a dystopia. 

This book is definitely an interesting read.  It tops my list as one of the unique books I have read.  The message Huxley is sending is great.  The idea that in the future there will be a government that strips everyone of their rights is a common theme among writers, but Huxley took the theme and built a great story out of it.  Though the book did start out slow (it had to explain a lot about the society), it picked up after a few chapters and kept a fast pace.  Brave New World definitely needs to be read twice because there are many things I missed the first time, like foreshadowing and other messages.  This is an excellent book that I recommend for anyone to read. 

Let's Start!

I always wondered what it would be like to have a blog.  I guess I will find out.