The Least Effective Weapons To Use During A Zombie Apacolypse

I love zombies.  Video games, movies, TV shows, or anything else that has them.  I like it.  I have seen so many things involving the killing of zombies that I have a solid grasp on how to deal with them.  Every time you see someone kill a zombie, they try to make it look as awesome as possible, but what if a real zombie apocalypse were to happen?  What weapons would people grab?  The cool movie ones, of course.

Boxing gloves - Only effective if used by Ivan Drago.
(Dead Rising 2)

People don't realize how ineffective these weapons would really be.  Sure, they may work for a little while, but in the long run they will only hurt your chances of survival.  Here's a short list of common weapons seen in movies and video games that would never work in real life.  To reference the type of zombies, I am basing them off of 28 Days Later and Left 4 Dead, which means they run quite fast.  If you have never seen either, here's the intro clip to Left 4 Dead.

(Left 4 Dead)

Chainsaw

Chainsaws.  God's greatest zombie killing creation.  Nothing makes you more power happy and bloodthirsty than firing up a chainsaw to start ripping apart zombies.  Movies really glamorize these and they are always the Holy Grail of video game weapons.  So, why would they be so ineffective against real zombies?  Zombies like running and lunging at you and with a chainsaw you only have about a three-foot reach and for something that is dead set on getting to you, a three-foot reach will not stop them.  Sure, it may slow one down, but what about the next one?  There you are with your chainsaw stuck in a zombie like a dumbass while another comes up from behind for the kill.  Good thing you used a chainsaw to fight them off.

In the hands of an amateur zombie killer, chainsaws will always kill your teammates. 
(Dawn of the Dead)

Shotgun

Ving Rhames is the exception for shotguns.
(Dawn of the Dead)

If movies have taught me anything, it's that shotguns are the best gun to use against zombies.  They are powerful, have the ability to hit more than one zombie, and make an awesome noise when you cock them.  Despite that, they are pretty shitty when it comes to hoards of zombies (horde being ten or more zombies).  You might as well be out there with a damn Civil War musket.  Once you run out of shells, you're done.  Pistols and rifles have pretty quick reload times, but shotguns take quite a while and with each shell you put in brings zombies five feet closer, which is unfortunate because shotguns have a short range so the zombies will be near striking proximity already.

Now I have a proper defense for being the jerk that shows up with a rocket launcher.

Take a look at Table 1 and you will see that shotguns look pretty terrible for range.  No one better call BS on these ranges because they are from the Army's website, so it is the one reliable piece of information on here.  Last thing, shotguns are loud.  Each shot is pretty much saying, "Hey zombies, I'm over here almost out of ammo.  Come eat me."

Molotov cocktail

There's nothing smart about what he is about to do,
especially because the zombies are 10 feet away.
(Dead Island)

The thing about Molotov cocktails is that they are awesome.  You throw a glass bottle, it explodes, things burn, badassery is felt.  There are some major flaws with this weapon, though.  The most obvious is that Molotovs set things on fire.  I'm no expert on what people do when they are on fire, but I assume they will run and try to get not on fire.  Zombies are the same way, except they will probably care less about getting extinguished and care more about killing the jerk who lit them up.  See the problem here?  You no longer have a zombie after you.  Now you have a flaming zombie after you, which is tons cooler for someone to watch.

Ha, Jim has flaming zombies after him.  I hope he doesn't trip...or do I?

(28 Days Later)

The other problem with setting fire to things that run around is that fire spreads.  One zombie touches another, fire spreads, to which more zombies touch each other, fire spreads, zombies touch houses, fire spreads, and now there's a lot of shit on fire.  When a lot of things are on fire, chaos ensues and danger grows exponentially.

Sledgehammer

Sledgehammers can really do some damage.  Swing one at the head of a zombie and you got a redead zombie.  Just because a sledgehammer guarantees a kill, doesn't mean it's a good weapon to use.  People have a limited amount of stamina and sledgehammers are heavy.  If you have a weapon that weighs about 10-20 pounds, you are going to be swinging it slow and getting tired very fast.

Unless you're this guy.  He doesn't get tired.  Like a boss.
(Humans Vs. Zombies Movie)

Zombies run fast and do not lose stamina, especially when there's food right in front of them.  Here's the crucial decision you must now make, drop the hammer and run like hell with a slight chance of living or trying to swing a giant hammer at a zombie running at you and most likely ending in your death?  Or, you could not be an idiot and use a sledgehammer in the first place.

Fire Axe

See: Sledgehammer

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!
(Dead Island)

Frying pan

The only way to look cool with a frying pan is by wearing a white suit with some dirt stains.
(Left 4 Dead 2)

This is always a popular weapon for reasons I will never know.  Comedic effect?  Anyways, it is in a lot of zombie movies and games.  This has a reach of about one foot.  Add on three feet for your arm.  This is a total of four feet.  Unlike a chainsaw, which has the ability to kill a zombie, a frying pan can give a zombie a headache, but they most likely already have one, so a frying pan is more of an annoyance.  And another thing, is that really the best weapon you have in the house?  There are knives, hammers (not sledge), crowbars, and a ton of other objects to use, but nope, frying pan.  Let's just use a God damn frying pan. 

20 zombies, 1 frying pan.

(28 Weeks Later)

In conclusion, I have just saved your life in the likely event that zombies will take over.  Follow this and don't be an idiot and you will survive.

Got any other weapon ideas? Comment below and let us know!