Things You Never Take From A Man In A Dark Alley

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A dark alley.  A place home to homeless people, used needles, overflowing dumpsters, and unwanted babies.  Oh, and men offering services that are meant to be handled by professionals.  I wanted to write a guide for you, valued readers, of what to never take from a man in a dark alley.

Guns
Here's a quick fact: 100% of guns bought from a man in a dark alley will be stolen; not stolen by you, but stolen by the man.  Here's another fact: if you buy a gun from a man in a dark alley, he will shoot you with another gun.  He made his money and you're in an alley dumpster with the reject babies and day-old donuts.  Good one, slick.

"When I shoot you, you're going straight to the dumpster along with this baby."

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Biggest Disappointments of the Failed Mayan Prophecy

Well, December 21^st has officially passed, you know, that dreaded day the Mayan’s predicted would be the end of the world, I’m sure you’re all quite familiar with it by now. And although the Mayans were wrong (surprised?), the world didn't end (yay!), and we’re ever so thankful for it, yada yada yada, we have a few bones to pick over the whole ordeal. I value the continuation of life and all that good stuff, but to be honest, I was looking forward to some things ending. If the Mayans were right, we wouldn't have to experience those everyday annoyances or see certain events come to fruition. Here are a few of the things I would like to be eliminated.

Oddly Specific And Common Behaviors In Stock Photography

Stock photography is a great source for entertainment, so much that I enjoy browsing through the photos for fun.  While browsing, I started noticing odd behaviors among the models.  These behaviors, though odd, are actually extremely common, for reasons I will never know.  Here are some of said behaviors involving women and their treatment of laptops.  Before you accuse me of being sexist, these, for some reason, are behaviors unique to women.  I have seen exactly zero men doing these activities, so don't complain.

Women enjoy hugging laptops

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Top 6 of 2012

I'm proud of this banner.

Now that 2012 is coming to an end, we can reflect on what has happened this year: we didn't perish in the fires of Mayan Hell, Curiosity lands on Mars, Whitney Houston died (no surprise there), The Black Eyed Peas didn't die, some famous couple got married, and Hollywood finally figured out how to make an acceptable movie.  Here at TBMP, we are going to look at the high points of the year and make you forget about the awful things that have happened, like The Black Eyed Peas I mentioned earlier.

New Writer

School is over and this place has been getting a lot of traffic recently; as a result, I decided I would like to try and grow it some more.  I realize that I have been slacking on posts for a while, so by bringing in another writer, hopefully, this place can get regular posts.  His name is Devon and he will be joining the TBMP team.  So, if the quality starts declining, don't blame me.  We'll let you know who writes what, just so you don't get confused and can pick favorites.

He looks like this; except red hair, no facial hair potential, and wears shirts.

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People We Are Forced To Trust

At some point in our lives we are forced to trust a stranger, it's inevitable.  These are people we must rely on to do certain tasks; like we trust our plumber knows his pipes, our mechanic knows how to fix cars, our barber knows proper cutting techniques, and our banker knows basic math.  These are people who handle minor tasks in our lives, here's a list of people we have to trust with our lives...

Things Your Waiter Won't Tell You

Every job has their secrets.  Bankers steal money, mechanics inflate their bills, and plumbers like playing with feces.  Waiters are no different.  The job of a waiter can get redundant and can be very low paying, depending on the night; so we try to make our job as fun and profitable as possible, even if it means showing favoritism and practicing theatricality and psychological deception, both powerful agents to the uninitiated.  Let me reveal some of our darkest thoughts that are hidden behind our charming smiles and devilishly good looks.

I'm like the Masked Magician, except with food service.

We upsell everything, without telling you
Every dollar that gets added onto your bill translates to a larger tip and upselling is the easiest way to do this.  Whenever possible, we will get your bill higher, even if you don't realize it at the time.  Pay attention, clever phrasing will alter your thinking and deceive you into paying extra without knowing you are.

The Great American Telecommunication Standoff

There is nothing worse than the conversation on the phone that goes unnecessarily long just to say, "Meet you in five."  It's just a simple phrase that isn't worth a phone call, so we just text it.

There is nothing worse than getting to a restaurant before the other members of your party because the text that said, "Meet you in five," meant five hours, not five minutes.

Telecommunication is a lose-lose situation, but which form of communication is ultimately better?  Talking or texting?

"How will I make the meeting in five minutes if I'm wearing this damn helmet!"

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Serious Time

I have to get semi-serious for this post, which is going to be tough because I like making jokes too much.  Well, here it goes...

My favorite band is Tool.  No doubt about it.  The sense of awe and enamor while listening is unlike anything else in the music world.  Back in high school, around 2008, I wrote an essay about the lead singer, Maynard James Keenan, and how he impacted this world.  His emotions flood from his lyrics, lyrics that he keeps open for interpretation so we can all experience the music in our own way.

 Yes, this is the musical genius I speak of.