Almost Comedy: Why Beauty Pageants Are So Great

I'm a guy, so I know a lot about beauty pageants. You get a bunch of females (ages 1-30) and pick which one is the most popular. This is done through a series of tests, like a talent show, how straight they can walk and turn, who can wear the most revealing swimsuit, which contestant can answer a question less stupid than the others, and who is fanciest in the fancy clothes. You know, who is best at the important things in life.

Attractive in a pants suit, great smile, talented politician,

now we just have to fix her famous Hitler wave and we got Miss America.

Pageants are a staple in modern society. Who else would keep psychiatrists, chiropractors, fashion stylists, TLC, and everyone in the mental health profession in business, but the beauty queens? They teach us that beauty is on the outside and that we should judge women. Did you ever see a dog show? You know, those things where dogs are showcased on a stage and each one displays a talent? Replace "dog" with "women" and you have a beauty pageant. Aren't my analogies great?

Best in show!

You ever watch the child pageants? That is America at its best. Is there anything better than seeing little girls slap on a fake smile to hide the anguish that is kept inside from years of physical and psychological abuse from their parents? I enjoy that. It's fun to watch the result of abuse, especially when it is socially acceptable to do so. I think that is something we all can enjoy, even the sexual predators (I have a link to support that somewhere, but I'm too lazy to find it. Just trust me, sexual predators have a field day with pageants).

If these guys show up at the beauty pageant, you grab your daughter and run like hell.

I don't deny that pageants are hard work for the kids, but even the parents put some sweat into them. They have to get their little girl, and put them in hooker boots, a way too expensive dress, flipper things (fake teeth that are put on real teeth to make their real teeth look like fake teeth), and glue on some big eyelashes. If they want to go a more trendy direction, give them an Ugly Betty wig, some birth control glasses, and a weird color eyelid paint. The whole point of this is to make their child look like a grown woman, hell, a mother even gave her child last minute breast enhancements, probably through the use of tissues or whatever else girls stuff in their bras.

This is a child pageant star in the eyes of their mother.

Photo courtesy of Family Violence Partnership...and a pervert in Photoshop.

When researching for this post, someone told me to check out Honey Boo Boo. I never saw this thing before, so I checked it out. It turns out that I made fun of her and her mom in my last post. Small world, eh? Even though it may help my post, that show will never be seen by my eyes. The pictures of Boo Boo's parents really solidified my choice of not watching the show...